"Carry On" -fun.

This song is heartbreaking and positive at the same time.  fun. has a way of saying what you didn't know had to be said, and also to be freaking awesome. :o)  I love this song anyway, but it also was found when I did a search for "Fault in our Stars music" as a suggested thematic song for the book.  I am a part of the women's book club lead by one of our Crossfit Cornerstone coaches.  I missed the first meeting this year where they were deciding upon the first book to read.  I missed it because it was the same day as my grandma's funeral.  And they chose this book.  I was so annoyed because I was struggling so much to just make it through each day with a non-sad face and I didn't want to spend more energy reading about teens with cancer, one of which, who wore oxygen at all times.  Just like my grandma for the last month or so.  I didn't need another visual.  I had a hard enough time getting it out of my head for more than a few minutes at a time, working at a nursing home and all. 

Anyways, I did want to read this book because I was curious, but like I said, I wasn't looking forward to the details.  At the time I read the book, I just assumed it was by a female author, and didn't pay attention to the author (read it on a borrowed Kindle.  Don't worry, I still am a book purist.), and then discovered it was John Green.  I also didn't realize that I had already read a book written by him, Will Grayson, Will Grayson, with David Levithan (another wonderful YA writer).  He writes about tough topics for YA novels.  He makes his characters smart, eloquent, and damaged.  He writes these characters you wish you could have been as cool as in high school (not popular, but cool in the sense that you didn't give a shit what other people thought of you cause you were secure and smart in your own way).  Anyways, his writing voice is very lovely.  It's melodic, but stark.  It's true, but sometimes unbelievable.  His words are descriptive, but simple.  I don't want to ruin the book, but there were a few quotes that stuck with me, and a few lessons I learned.  This book is a love story, but for me, it was primarily about how to deal with loss and accepting the shitty things that happen in life, sometimes.

There is a point in the story where the main character, Hazel, is worried about how her parents will be after she has died.  She is so wrapped up in the pain she will bring and perseverates on this point (much like a teenager).  She isn't able to see the big picture, just the fact that she will be gone.  And her parents, realizing that she is taking it upon herself to make sure she hurts as few people as possible by trying to be self-sufficient and avoiding being close to people, inform her that yes, they will be deeply saddened by her passing and that when they think about it, they cry.  But moreso than that, they are so happy to have had her at all and the joy that they have as a family overrides any sadness they could ever feel.  This is mirrored again later in the book (I won't spoil it by saying when), and it is something that I keep telling myself in so many words.  I am not moving on, but trying to move forward.  I want to move from primarily sadness (this feeling I can't escape) to being grateful for the 26 years I had with her and for the 30 years my grandma lived beyond what science and logic said she should have.  It's a long journey, but at least I am on it.  I don't know who says it, but this quote, "Grief does not change you.  It reveals you."  So true.  So true.  I'm learning a lot about myself by being fully honest and feeling, authentically.  It's strange, but pleasant.

I don't remember where this quote was either, but "You are so busy being you that you have no idea how unprecedented you are."  That just reminded me that it's about demeanor and realizing my place in the world.  Vastly, and in my community, and in my friendship circles, and in my family, and in my own little world.  It helps me to keep things in perspective.  The world and life have done nothing to me.  This grieving process is not something I cannot get through.  If I can or can't, it will not affect the world.  I am important, but I do not matter.

I didn't realize it at the time, but reading this book was very therapeutic for me, even though the content was difficult and uncomfortable.  I read a lot of the book with a stony face because I ran out of feels, but overall, it did punch me in the gut and give me a little chest pain.  And letting it do that to me, made me confront parts of my grief that I am not sure I could make myself do.  Gaining strength in spirit and happiness.

Excerpts from "Carry On" by fun.
 
You swore and said
"We are not
We are not shining stars"
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
about how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

By the way, I think this song is highly appropriate for this book.  It includes love, loss, and grief.  Our book club leader had asked us to rate the book, and I had said 3.75 (because I am waffle-y).  5+ for writing, and 2 something for content.  I change my answer to 5++, just for the sheer amount of wisdom it has bestowed upon me, despite the content and the more than predictable storylines.

"Winter Song" -The Head and the Heart

This blog was created with strength as the focus.  Strength in body.  Strength in mind.  Strength in attitude.  Strength in character.  As of late, I haven't felt very strong.  The last few months of my life have been a whirlwind, and it's only now that I look back that I see that.  I called my parents "the kidney twins," seeing as my mom received her long awaited kidney (doing well, by the way, which I am everyday grateful for) and my dad (due to the vigilance observed by multiple physicians and the insistence of a friend/restaurant frequenter that my dad "looked like shit" and needed to be looked at), had surgery and a short stay in the hospital for his prostate, which was instigated by an inability to pee and a high creatinine level.  Thankfully, so thankfully, they are both stable, and my fleeting fear of having one parent leave dialysis behind just to have the other find it, never manifested itself. 

Aside from that, I've had a grandmother (who lives with my loving aunt, uncle, and three cousins, and had since before I was born) who was in and out of the hospital and nursing homes, battling a fight that was more than 30 years old.  I helped when I could.  Maybe I could have more.  But it's those thoughts I struggle not to torment myself with.  I'm not going to hash out all the details, because it just makes me sad and teary, but I will say that she lived in defiance of life since a stroke in 1983 that probably should have killed her.  There are too many things I could say, mostly concerning guilt, sadness, smiles, stress, revelation, and feeling unsettled.  She passed on January 27, 2014.  It all seemed to have spiraled so quickly, but I was there the evening she passed.  I didn't want to be there just because of what was happening, but I did want to be there, and I am grateful that I was.  I've felt a multitude of things since then, and haven't been able to qualify these emotions.  It has opened up a lot of wounds or emotional scarring I didn't know were there.  I've been putting off processing what happened and acknowledging the depth of my grief and how it is intertwined into the rest of my life, but this is a small step.  This song popped up on my iPod one evening shortly after my grandmother died, and it articulated what I didn't know I was feeling. The lyrics offer painful truth, painful hope, and painful disillusion.

"Winter Song"-The Head and the Heart

Tell me somethin', give me hope for the night
We don't know how we feel
We're just prayin' that we're doin' this right
Though that's not the way it seems

Summer gone, now winter's on its way
I will miss the days we had
The days we had
I will miss the days we had
The days we had
Oh, I'll miss the days we had

Loving, leaving, it's too late for this now
Such esteem for each has gone
Has time driven our season away?
Cause that's the way it seems
In the world of the speech that is new
I'll be back again to stay
Again to stay
I'll be back again to stay
Again to stay
I'll be back again to stay

There were a couple of weeks where I didn't feel like talking to anyone and going to work in a nursing home similar to the last one she stayed in, day after day, was grueling and literally drained me of any energy to do anything else.  I struggled to love my job and I struggled to do that job, well.  I didn't Crossfit for two weeks.  I ate junk.  My relationship with food took a turn for the worse, mirroring bad habits that I have worked hard to confront and demolish.  I didn't want to talk about anything real.  I didn't really know what I wanted or what I needed.  And those feelings still come every so often.  And I think they will for a very long time.  I kept waiting to feel better.  And I keep waiting.  But it isn't just going to happen.  But this is a small step.  I've stopped using sadness as a crutch to not participate in the rest of my life.  Especially the parts that I just recently learned to harbor into a healthful self.  It would be a disservice to myself and dare I say it, to my grandmother and parents, too.

I wrote in my Crossfit notebook, "Not going to Crossfit isn't going to make me feel better."  It was there, that I had a chance to just focus on me, and forget whatever else was going on, but still be doing something productive and helpful.  I am not going with as much gusto as before and those initial feelings of nervousness and shyness tried to creep back in, but I've punched those in the face, and am learning to rely on myself and to rely on my coaches and to rely on my Crossfit community to be their wonderful selves, allowing myself to bathe in  their unabashed positivity and strength, despite whatever else is going on in the world.  I know this, now.  No matter what happens outside of the box, inside the box is always a positive, supportive, strong space.  Nothing, as far as I know, can shake that.  It felt really good to revel in that and to soak it up.

That being said, one of the first workouts I did when I "came back" was 3 sets of "prison rules."  (Prison Rules is to do the same movement every 15 seconds for 4:00.  Typically 2-3 of the same movement).  We were asked to do the following:

I. Prison Rules Hang Power Snatch (HSN)
   Prison Rules Clean and Jerk (C+J) **start at about :30
   Prison Rules Thrusters

*prescribed weight: #95 men/#65 women

With a minute of rest in between

II. Every Minute on the Minute (EMOTM) 10 wall balls **start at 1:10

*prescribed weight: #20 men/#14 women, all trying to hit the 10' mark

I felt like Crossfit was saying, "fuck you for not coming for two weeks," but in the friendliest way possible.  It felt good to get right back into it.  And I wimped out a little, only doing #55 lbs for the first part and only #8 lbs for the second part.  It was still freaking hard.  But despite my wimpage, I felt good about what I did when I left that night.  What a relief...I could still rely on this place to be there for me and my health.

In spite of all the seemingly negative things in my life, I have truly felt the support and comfort from loved ones, acquaintances, and strangers.  In my state of mind, I ended up having two minor car accidents (no injuries, just a few thousand dollars worth of damage).  I have been shown such kindness through words, prayers, thoughts, hugs, people doing things for me, positive attitudes, through people showing up, and gratitude.  Even with all that has happened (I struggle not to finish that phrase with "...to me." These things didn't happen to me; they just happened), I am beginning to feel a little renewed. 

The concept of strength has taken on such different meaning.  The same struggles are still there from before, but added, are the goals to find emotional strength and spiritual strength.  I have many models of strength in my life.  None moreso than my grandmother, who like I said, lived in defiance of sadness, defeat, solitude, physical ability and life, relentlessly being strong each and every single day just to live normally and be independent.  If I don't see inspiration in that struggle, who the hell do I think I am?

"Money Tree" by Caroline Glaser

This artist opened for Straight No Chaser, an acapella group that formed in college about twenty years ago, and currently tours.  They are amazing and hilarious.  This girl, was a contestant on "The Voice," and her voice is very special, indeed.  It was also really cool to hear her clear voice in a dark, quiet auditorium. This song is one of her two released original songs.  It laments being a bit foolish and not listening to the advice given you, and then breaking out, and still having a chance to make it big.  Having your moment.  Here is the refrain:

"Listen up now, listen good.
Listen up like I know I should
I've got one chance to make a scene,
Make a name I've got to plant that seed

You spend your whole life being someone you're not,
So quick to forget all the things you've been taught.
If I sing oh oh oh and la la la could you hear my cry? Would you sing along?"

I feel like that is what I do when I do these Crossfit workouts, putting myself out there in ways that I never thought possible.  I've subconsciously had this fear to not overthink and analyze everything that I wanted to do.  With Crossfit, I was still conservative, but I took the plunge.  And I'm so much the better for it.  I want to "make a scene, " "make a name," and "plant the seed."  It gets easier to get over the nerves, and it has morphed from fear of how I appear to anxiety about doing something greater than I thought I would be able to.  Very, very rarely, am I disappointed when I leave a class.  How often is it in life that I can say that?  About work, about school, etc.  Why wouldn't I keep going back for more? 

I came across this article on the Crossfit Facebook page, and it perfectly highlighted why I love Crossfit, and why I am hooked.  There are a lot of quotables, but my favorite quote, :With most workouts, beginners look like assholes and then they look like pros. In our case, everyone looks like an asshole. "  Basically, implying that everyone is working hard and working on their form.  A lot of the Crossfit pictures you will see are of elite athletes, but that is not what everyone looks like.  Another favorite quote is, "We build a strong camaraderie and the competition is motivating. You suffer through the workout, but you know that you are suffering together." There really is this supportive group of people building each other up.  A perfect stranger, but you have a common goal, I feel as if in other gyms or workout classes, there is a competitive nature that has nothing to do with competing against yourself, but others.  With my gym, yeah there is some friendly competition, but when it comes to the end of the day, it's about whether or not you are proud of yourself and feel accomplished.  Also, the thing I love about Crossfit, is that there is always room to grow and improve.  Always.  With other workout classes, there are people that have achieved the hardest parts, and then there are others who may feel inadequate because they aren't there yet or never get there.  With Crossfit, even the most elite athlete strives for more, more weight, more speed, less time, more reps, or whatever.  The goal is the same.  I can't state that enough.  Here is the rest of the article.

Enjoy!

"Party Up" by DMX

Throwback Monday?  This song brings me back to 7th grade, and I especially love the uber 2000s bucket hat that DMX sports in this video.  Nothing more badass during a bank heist.  This song gets me disproportionately pumped up.  Aaaannnyway, it's been far too long since I have posted.  Life has taken over, and I relented, fully.  The holidays threw me off my Crossfit frequency, but it welcomed me again with open arms afterwards.  There was an entire week where all I did was one at home workout, and I felt all out of sorts.  Plus, I was sick, and sleeping all the time.  But the first one I did after that break was the 100s WOD.  Sounds better than it actually is.

100 American Kettle Bell Swings (35# for women)
100 pull ups (any kind...banded, kipping, jumping, ring rows)
100 double unders (scale is 300 singles)
100 overhead squats (65# for women)

25:00 cap

Our sympathetic coach, who hates cardio, literally said, "I'm sorry, guys.  This is terrible."  I felt as if the workout was an "F you, Angie!  For not coming to see us!"  I got through the KBS, a combination of banded and jumping pull ups, all of the singles (with a short pee break), and 32 of the OHS.  The scale was to do just 50 reps of each thing, but we were encouraged to go for it if we have been doing this for a while.  Well, it's been about 6 months or so, so I am no longer "new" I guess.  I was happy with how I did, but that workout wasn't fun at all, not even a little bit.  I wish I had banded pull ups better, and I did 55# for the OHS.  Nonetheless, it was a good one.  Also, I was annoyed that the week that we were establishing new 1RM (1 rep max, the heaviest you can do for any particular movement, 1 time) was Christmas week, and I missed them all.

Since then, I have agreed to participate in the Nutrition Challenge at my box.  It is based on the Maximized Living Advanced Plan, generally speaking.  And basically it is a 4 week program that detoxes all sugars and toxins in foods, which includes grains (bread, pasta, flour, rice), soy, alcohol, and most processed foods.  The diet is based on grass fed meats, grass fed dairy, vegetables, only certain fruits that are low in sugar, some beans and legumes, healthy fats (avocados, coconuts), nuts, and seeds.  Organic as much as possible.  We were provided with detailed meal plans, shopping lists, and the ideologies.  It's not a diet.  It's going to be a way of life.  And it's practical about having slip ups, which isn't the end of the world.  Elizabeth, my friend, is doing this with me, hopefully we can keep each other on board.

We were asked to do a weigh in and a "before" picture.  I chickened out, and kept my shirt on for the "before" picture.  I looked like a total scrub and a young, cute, boy was taking the pictures.  I manned up and took one at home.  Which I will share, regardless.  And I will take my "after" picture at the gym, sports bra and shorts.  Biggest Loser style.  But I am excited.  I like having the support and the knowledge that I get to choose to do this for 28 days.  I am not debilitated by physical barriers or financial barriers.  Too good of an opportunity not to try.

After that talk, we did a very quick 4:00 workout (these workouts reflect the workouts that will be completed in the Crossfit Games Open in a couple months).  And afterward, I stayed to work on a couple movements having missed 1RM week.  I established two new personal records (Front Squat 140# (by 5 lbs) and Push Press #110 (by 15 lbs).  I also dropped the bar, a lot.  About five times, and had five different, very generous people, pick it up for me.  It's such a different feel being there during open gym hours.  There is no time constraint, the dogs just roam around, and you can really lose yourself, while subconsciously being surrounded by the motivating elements and people of Crossfit.  I wish I had more opportunities to do open gym hours.

Tonight, the workout was pretty brutal, too.  And quite literally named, "Mofo," and that it was.  A true mofo.  It was EMOTM x10, alternating 7 BSQ @ 70% 1RM and 10 burpees.  Then followed by EMOTM x10, 10 wall balls.  Then mobility for quads, 2:00 couch stretch, each leg.  A killer, for sure.  I never imagined I would be the kind of person that would actually be working out next to strangers, with no thought as to what they think of me, offering support where I see it is needed, and being so open about my strengths and weaknesses.  It was a hard lesson to learn that I shouldn't be ashamed of my body and ability because I wasn't born with natural born talent.  And that I should be rewarding my body with healthy choices vs punishing myself physically, mentally, and emotionally for being imperfect.  So much better, do I feel about myself, in general.

It's been 2 days, and I have had one slip up.  I invested in good quality foods

"Shape of my Heart"/"Tearin' up my Heart"

 

BSB (Brian's still the best)

 

 

NSYNC (JC 4eva)

 

 

Can it be true that Matt (a 21 year old boy, mind you) was blasting my favorite boy band songs as I traipsed into Cornerstone, this evening?  My absolute favorite BSB song, then followed by my 2nd favorite NSYNC song.  And yes, you can be a dual fan.  I always have been.  BSB has more staying power, but NSYNC freaking rocked the dance moves.  Alright, have I been talking about boy bands for too long?  Anyway, it was so much fun for me, and brought me right back to my 6th grade dances.  If they only knew that I still listen to all these songs, currently.  And hearing these songs on a stereo system, loudly and proudly, definitely amped me up for the workout.  I was determined to finish the WOD tonight, because I have recently been in a pinch where I keep almost finishing WODs, and it's super annoying.  The workout tonight was:

 

5x5 overhead squats (no one is "good" at these) followed by a 20:00 cap for 50 pullups/50 American KBS (35 lbs for women)/50 double unders (150 singles)/50 overhead squats (65lbs for women),  I do not have pull ups, so I use bands to help me, but still 50 is a lot.  I finished those quickly since I scaled them (and I was the only one to do so.  I miss my other class.  Haha.), and then the kettle bell swings weren't so bad to do 10 at a time.  But the singles took me a little bit longer.  It was the freaking overhead squats that I knew were going to give me trouble. To put it in a time frame, I was done with the first two movements in under 6 minutes.  And I was the slowest one.  Oh, and you couldn't break them up into 10s or anything, you had to finish one whole set of movements before going onto the next one.  I dropped the bar behind me and was doing them in sets of 4 some point in the middle of the overhead squats, but I finished in 18:38!  I was very happy with how I did, tonight.  I needed to bounce back from last night, I think, where I don't think I pushed myself as hard as I could have (workout was FSQ 5x5 and then Tabata (20sec on/10sec rest) of squats x8, then push ups x8, then butterfly situps x8.  As many as possible.  That was a real doozy. 

 

Aside from the love for boy bands coinciding with my love for Crossfit, there is another reason I love this place.  Last Saturday, two members (one is a coach, the other his wife) hosted a charity event to raise money for building a school/community center in Haiti.  The children they serve are currently being schooled in a tent and have minimal supplies.  So, they hosted an all day competition and the winners received a moderate amount on a giftcard and a hand drawn picture from a child at the school.  I did not compete or even attempt to (it was a month long event), but I did agree to volunteer, all day.  It was so nice to see my coaches and fellow members outside of the WOD realm.  One coach competed, and that was cool to see him, too.  Funnily enough, as coaches, I don't get to see them do a whole lot of working out during the week, so it's neat when I get to.  The day really showed me what a family Crossfit becomes.  There were shared laughs, adoration for the new dog, and plantain chips.  Plus, the whole premise of the day was to put yourself through something for the sheer profit of someone else who needs it more badly than you do.  And I miss that from my life.  I like to see that Crossfit can build bridges into parts of the real world.  Just solidifies my respect for the whole notion.

 

Continuing to be in love with this life...

"Demons" by Imagine Dragons

What can I say?  This song is beyond beautiful and poignant and freaking amazing.  Yes, Louis C.K,, I choose to use the word "amazing" for this song (reference here).  The lyrics are a little depressing, but what I get from this song, is strength in adversity, and the effort to be fearless despite what you are, whether that's "good" or "bad."  And for me, that alludes to the unhealthy habits I've had and the effects they have had on my body.  I'm not perfect, I cannot offer you or myself everything, but I have something to cherish and something to take care of.  My body and my self.  Cue the cheesy background music!  I think this song is about forgiving yourself for the faults and imperfections you may have committed or that you have. 

This song also speaks to me about my mom.  Who recently underwent kidney transplant surgery after being on a donor list for 8ish years (no one can really remember if it was 8 or 10).  She is a diabetic, she has some pulmonary hypertension, she has a little bit of congestive heart failure.  She wasn't the greatest at taking care of her body and was also handed a few cards that made it worse.  But, above all of that, she has a heart of gold.  She would never wish bad upon a person, and she wants only for good to be in the lives of her loved ones.  She isn't perfect, and she doesn't always say the most perfect things (especially to her most perfect daughter, me!), but she is truly an example of goodness.  But back to my point, even though she had put herself in the situation of having low functioning kidneys, she has received a truly miraculous gift.  A second chance.  The song doesn't say if you deserve saving or not, but that it's there.  And that it's okay to embrace all of who you are, good, bad, or otherwise.

So back to Crossfit.  I have been good about going, and really missed it when I couldn't go as often while Mom was in the hospital for surgery and whatnot.  But I went the night before Thanksgiving, and was the only person there!  It was a partner workout ("Jack" 20:00 AMRAP 10 push presses/10 kettle bell swings/10 box jumps).  I didn't go that fast, but I kept a good pace.  I was off my game, though.  As evidenced by the fact that I hit my chin with the bar, nearly dropped a 35 lb kettle bell behind my head, and nearly fell forward on a box jump.  I hadn't been eating that great because I was out of my routine, and while that is the weakest excuse, I used it to justify drinking diet soda and eating a pizza in a week, all by myself.  I also forgot my hair thing that night, and my hair (almost down to my butt), kept getting caught in my armpits. :)

And then, last night, I went back and we did "Cindy with a Jerk."  I laugh everytime I see that!  "Cindy" is a 20:00 AMRAP of 5 pull ups/10 push ups/15 squats, and they also added a clean and jerk.  I met my goal of number of rounds, and it felt great to be "back."  Oh, and we were supposed to end with a 2 mi cool down, and we typically run behind the shopping center where our box is.  It was dark, and it started to rain.  Brandon bestowed pity on us, and less than halfway through, he picked us up in his car.  :)  He also cleaned up all of our supplies.  What a guy.

Tonight, I went to Skinnyfit, and Matt blasted "Demons" about halfway through the workout, which was a real doozy! (400m run, "Karen"-150 wall balls, "Annie"-50/40/30/20/10 sit ups/double unders (or scaled double the amount of single jump ropes), 400m run).  And the song carried me through the first set of sit ups.  I was the last to finish with a 35:00 cap.  And Matt, being the supportive coach and generous person that he is, ran with me the last 400m.  You can't pay for quality coaching like that!  And not to mention, Matt had us play leap frog and do cartwheels in the warm up.  He is like a puppet master.  But in a nice, sadistic, way. :) 

That is two nights in a row, that people have been generous enough to clean up my things for me.  I feel as if I benefit so much from the people who go here and the coaches, that I feel compelled to put something back into this establishment.  That's what drives me to be a success story and to spread the support and encouragement to others who walk through our doors.  I can't say it enough.  Loving crossfit.  Loving myself.

"Young, Wild, and Free" by Snoop Dogg, Wiz Khalifa, and Bruno Mars

I've recently resigned to the realization that I am in fact, a twentysomething, with nothing but financial obligation, who chooses to prioritize family, personal time, health, and spending time with friends having new experiences.  I am thoroughly enjoying going to Crossfit/Skinnyfit as often as I have been, splurging on good, quality food, and answering only to myself.  This song played tonight, and although I'm not quite as carefree as the song would suggest (I am fiscally responsible and always go to work), the attitude that "I don't care who sees" resonates with me.  I still wear tight fitting clothes to Crossfit that showcase my belly fat and my legs.  I am putting myself out there and I'm not going to hide under baggy, un-cute clothes. 

I have been going to Crossfit more regularly and feeling less and less self-conscious about what kind of workout is going to be posted, and more and more confident about being inviting and being myself, there.  I have encountered some very kind, helpful people within the walls of this establishment.  People who help me with bands, carry boxes for me, clean up my supplies because I'm the last person working out, people who yell and encourage me to keep going, people who offer tips to improve my form or to make it a little easier on myself.  I have been eating well, but I had Doritos, today.  NOT a good idea.  But I have also recently decided to stop keeping a food journal.  I don't want to be hung up on calories (even approximated ones which is what I did most of the time), and I want it to be an overall improvement.  I don't plan on writing down what I eat for the rest of my life, but I do plan on working out and pushing myself.

I have definitely noticed that I can run with more stamina.  Still usually start out in the beginning and end up in the back, but at least I finish.  My squat positioning is consistent and my elbows are out, which indicates that I have improved shoulder flexibility.  My arms are getting tighter, my traps are getting sore more regularly, meaning they are coming into their own form, and my knees are bruised from the rigor of some of the workouts.  I love it!  I have spent quite a few evenings looking at my body in the mirror.  I never even used to be able to do that, clothed, and feel comfortable.  Now, I examine my naked self to see what areas are improving, which areas still need work, and to build confidence.  It's just a body.  A tool to feel better about myself.  My clothes are fitting much looser and I am buying smaller sizes at the store.  And this may not seem like a big deal, but my breasts are a little smaller.  It is an area that I have always been self-conscious about, and now they are becoming more shapely.  So are my legs.  I never thought that would happen.  I attributed their shape to genetics and accepted that they would never be my favorite feature.  But I have strong legs, now.  And I love to look at them. :o)

Over the last few weeks since my last blog entry, I endured a "met-con" week, meaning it was mostly "metabolic conditioning" which means a hell of a lot of cardio and at high intensity.  I've also worked on snatches, overhead squats, back squats, push presses, wall balls, pull ups, and cleans.  A girl named Kelly really helped me with my pull ups.  As I do not have as much upper body strength, these are very hard for me, and I require 2-3 bands to do them, efficiently.  She helped me to loop them together, as I always had them next to each other, and they were freaking hard to get into, that way.  FYI, a banded pull up is such.  I also have been pushing myself to speed up, a little.  That's my worst area.  I can do the weight lifting, and I can do the technical stuff.  But I am not very fast.  And I don't care to be.  But I have to get to a point where I get just a tad of a rush from being fast or finishing on time, because that will push me.  I do have to admit, when I miss a workout by just a few reps, I feel really frustrated about it.  And I want to avoid that feeling.

Things are well.  My life is good.  I'm happy.