This song is heartbreaking and positive at the same time. fun. has a way of saying what you didn't know had to be said, and also to be freaking awesome. :o) I love this song anyway, but it also was found when I did a search for "Fault in our Stars music" as a suggested thematic song for the book. I am a part of the women's book club lead by one of our Crossfit Cornerstone coaches. I missed the first meeting this year where they were deciding upon the first book to read. I missed it because it was the same day as my grandma's funeral. And they chose this book. I was so annoyed because I was struggling so much to just make it through each day with a non-sad face and I didn't want to spend more energy reading about teens with cancer, one of which, who wore oxygen at all times. Just like my grandma for the last month or so. I didn't need another visual. I had a hard enough time getting it out of my head for more than a few minutes at a time, working at a nursing home and all.
Anyways, I did want to read this book because I was curious, but like I said, I wasn't looking forward to the details. At the time I read the book, I just assumed it was by a female author, and didn't pay attention to the author (read it on a borrowed Kindle. Don't worry, I still am a book purist.), and then discovered it was John Green. I also didn't realize that I had already read a book written by him, Will Grayson, Will Grayson, with David Levithan (another wonderful YA writer). He writes about tough topics for YA novels. He makes his characters smart, eloquent, and damaged. He writes these characters you wish you could have been as cool as in high school (not popular, but cool in the sense that you didn't give a shit what other people thought of you cause you were secure and smart in your own way). Anyways, his writing voice is very lovely. It's melodic, but stark. It's true, but sometimes unbelievable. His words are descriptive, but simple. I don't want to ruin the book, but there were a few quotes that stuck with me, and a few lessons I learned. This book is a love story, but for me, it was primarily about how to deal with loss and accepting the shitty things that happen in life, sometimes.
There is a point in the story where the main character, Hazel, is worried about how her parents will be after she has died. She is so wrapped up in the pain she will bring and perseverates on this point (much like a teenager). She isn't able to see the big picture, just the fact that she will be gone. And her parents, realizing that she is taking it upon herself to make sure she hurts as few people as possible by trying to be self-sufficient and avoiding being close to people, inform her that yes, they will be deeply saddened by her passing and that when they think about it, they cry. But moreso than that, they are so happy to have had her at all and the joy that they have as a family overrides any sadness they could ever feel. This is mirrored again later in the book (I won't spoil it by saying when), and it is something that I keep telling myself in so many words. I am not moving on, but trying to move forward. I want to move from primarily sadness (this feeling I can't escape) to being grateful for the 26 years I had with her and for the 30 years my grandma lived beyond what science and logic said she should have. It's a long journey, but at least I am on it. I don't know who says it, but this quote, "Grief does not change you. It reveals you." So true. So true. I'm learning a lot about myself by being fully honest and feeling, authentically. It's strange, but pleasant.
I don't remember where this quote was either, but "You are so busy being you that you have no idea how unprecedented you are." That just reminded me that it's about demeanor and realizing my place in the world. Vastly, and in my community, and in my friendship circles, and in my family, and in my own little world. It helps me to keep things in perspective. The world and life have done nothing to me. This grieving process is not something I cannot get through. If I can or can't, it will not affect the world. I am important, but I do not matter.
I didn't realize it at the time, but reading this book was very therapeutic for me, even though the content was difficult and uncomfortable. I read a lot of the book with a stony face because I ran out of feels, but overall, it did punch me in the gut and give me a little chest pain. And letting it do that to me, made me confront parts of my grief that I am not sure I could make myself do. Gaining strength in spirit and happiness.
Excerpts from "Carry On" by fun.
You swore and said
"We are not
We are not shining stars"
This I know
I never said we are
Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
to know you can never look back
If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on
Carry on, carry on
So I met up with some friends
at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
about how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives
But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you are to me
Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home
By the way, I think this song is highly appropriate for this book. It includes love, loss, and grief. Our book club leader had asked us to rate the book, and I had said 3.75 (because I am waffle-y). 5+ for writing, and 2 something for content. I change my answer to 5++, just for the sheer amount of wisdom it has bestowed upon me, despite the content and the more than predictable storylines.
