"Steal my Sunshine" by Len

 

This video brings me baaaaack.  Such a dumb song, but how many songs have the word "sun" in it?  Plus, I'm being unabashedly ironic.  This will be my last post about the "Sun's out, Gun's out" challenge.  It wasn't as challenging as it was presumed to be.  In that I didn't step up to the challenge as much as I wanted to.  I did frequent the box more, and I have consistently cooked good food for the week, saving treats for the weekend.  I'll skip the food pictures, this time, too.

As it draws to an end, I have to reflect on why I was interested in the challenge at all.  Or why I am even at this box at all.

In the past few months, I have felt this incredible weight lift off of me, and it continually dissipates.  I had no idea how BIG this pressure was that I put on myself for the dumbest things.  For not being already perfect.  (I won't go into how I discovered this except to say it happened in a Target parking lot and I screamed at my sister about snow).  I spent a long time, 26 years too long, imagining that I was reaching for this unattainable goal, and that the only reason I wasn't reaching it was that I simply was not doing enough or trying hard enough or that I simply was not good enough.  As you may have surmised, this lead to a lot of guilt and sadness.  Guilt and sadness that became a norm for me.  Guilt and sadness that I had no idea I carried.  Guilt and sadness that I tried to consume.  Guilt and sadness that I tried to account for.  Guild and sadness that kept me shut off from being my true self and giving relationships 110%.  Guilt and sadness that motivated me to lash out at loved ones for not fitting into the "perfect" squares I had dissected everything in my life into.  My health was no exception.  I have been overweight most of my life.  I was born at freaking 9lbs5oz.  Big baby.  In some crazy, delusional, sounds like a teenager, gotta get out of my head, way, I thought I deserved being overweight, or rather staying overweight.  I didn't imagine that I deserved happiness until I was happy with my body.  I volleyed between tricking myself into thinking that I accepted myself the way I was and not being able to look in the mirror without crying or being embarrassed.  That's fucking stupid.  Which I knew, but made myself the exception for some reason.

I have a wonderful family, but being the 3rd and youngest (by 7 years) daughter of immigrant parents, body image just didn't come up a lot.  At least not in a positive way.  It's part of the Hong Kong culture to comment on other people's bodies and weight.  Me, being very much internally American, was very sensitive to this.  I didn't grow up with the tough skin that my parents had.  Where they give zero fucks what other people think of what they look like, it dictated a lot of opinions about myself.  There is so much more I could go into, but suffice it to say, I am finally growing up (or at least starting to) at the ripe old age of 26 and almost 11 months.  The older I become, the more I realize I do not know, the more I find out about myself and the world around me, and I am not so staunchly set in my ways.

Even though I feel freer now, and I am embracing aspects of myself I didn't know I should be proud of, I still have to talk myself into being nice to myself, quite often, actually.  It was SO ingrained in me, that it is taking a lot of rebuilding and kind words to myself to reach true happiness.  And I am also consciously reminding myself that it is a journey to happiness.  I kept waiting to just achieve happiness or health and then go on about my life.  False.  There will always be an insecurity or slip-up, but that's okay.  Accepting that is part of the journey, too.  It is so nice to laugh authentically, make comments without constantly censoring myself and editing my speech, to stick to my opinions, and to act confidently.

My doing Crossfit is so interrelated to this journey of self-discovery and acceptance.  There is no way around it.  Sure, there are other methods or instigators, but I truly believe it would have taken a lot longer to get there without Crossfit.  In a certain, cheesy way, Crossfit has saved me.  I repeat, Crossfit has saved me.  At a time, in which, I didn't even know I was drowning.  Crossfit was there for me.  Which leads me to celebrate my Crossfit-a-versary.

(yeah, I am not the kind of girl who wears makeup to the gym on a Saturday morning or wipes the sweat away; putting it all out there!)

Last weekend, on the Saturday before Memorial Day 2014, I completed a Hero WOD.  Well, half of one.  It was Murph.  I did half (800m run, 50 pull ups, 100 push ups, 150 squats, 800m run).  One year ago, I did this workout as my first ever true, Crossfit workout.  In 2013, it took me 50:00, and this year it took me 35:44.  I still did banded pull ups (last year, they were ring rows), but I didn't feel like I was going to die when I finished this year.  I think I will make this a tradition.  There are still a lot of goals I want to reach (I just found a list I made in January, that said I wanted to get double unders, toes to bar, and handstands...ha!  Might be wishful thinking, although the double unders are riiiiight there), but I have never done something for a whole year to benefit my health or to make a positive change in my life (except for schooling, which is finite).  I freaking love Crossfit, and in particular, I love my box, my coaches, and my fellow athletes (did I just call myself an athlete?  17 year old Angie on the bowling team and student council would be shocked).  I have truly dedicated and supportive members at my box.  I don't care if I've said it 100x, I'll say it 1000x more.  The affection I have for the positivity and self-love I feel within the walls of Crossfit Cornerstone can never be praised or appreciated enough. 

In this past year, I've grown muscles in my body that I didn't know I had.  I've gotten looks and comments from family members and friends seeing how my demeanor and my body have changed for the better.  I have become a friendlier, more outgoing person.  I do not hide from myself or others like I did in other gym settings.  I am more secure as a person, and feel less defensive.  I challenge myself every class I go to, to push a little harder under the guidance of my coaches and my instincts.  I climbed a rope (from laying on the ground).  I can walk up walls.  I've gotten my first sport related injuries (mostly bruises and scars).  I've been the slowest in class.  I've been the second to slowest in the class.  I've lifted heavier than half of the women at the box that day.  I've lifted way less than I could.  I've fallen on my ass.  I've dropped barbells on my head.  I've hit myself in the chest with a barbell.  I've fallen to my knees.  I've vomited after workouts.  I've stopped using an inhaler post-workouts.  I've had sweat dripping into my eyes.  I pushed a freaking truck!  And I've asked for help and advice, earnestly.  And this is just the beginning of the rest of my life!  I can't wait to see what it holds, and I am excited to meet and re-meet this Angie that is constantly growing, changing, and improving.

"Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves

I absolutely loved this song as a child.  My sister loved it.  That's probably why.  Anyways, I miss the surprise and anticipation of getting letters in the mail and I am SO glad that the sun is out, now!  Yay, driving with the windows open and blasting my tunes.  I like that this nutrition challenge is 2 months long, because I don't feel as hopeless when I fuck up on occasion.  This is a smattering of the foods I've eaten.  I'll be sure to post the new recipes I have tried and liked.

Egg salad (which always looks disgusting in pictures), sweet potato noodle "pad thai" and blurry vegetable soup.

Egg salad again, but with crackers.  Panera Thai Chicken salad, and watermelon from Kroger salad bar.  Not a great nutrition choices day.

Scrambled eggs for breakfast, Wendy's bbq chicken salad (womp womp), and melon soup for dinner.  That my mother made.

Smiley hard boiled eggs decorated by my 4 year old niece and banana.  Chicken drumsticks and curry.  Grassfed beef burgers with lettuce and caprese salad.

Grainless granola (ground raw pistachios, raw almonds, raw cashews, mixed with coconut oil, honey, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger...baked low and tossed periodically, with banana and coconut milk.  Like "cereal."  Curry chicken and beef burgers again.

Berry Carrot Dream smoothie from Smoothie king (hold the turbinado) and chicken with broccoli slaw and Vegenaise.

Being ultra Chinese for this day!  Bubble tea for breakfast (so nutritious, right?), dim sum for lunch (turnip cake, greens, shrimp stuffed jalapenos, other things I don't know the English names for), and chicken with chestnuts and dried Chinese mushrooms (again courtesy, of my mother).

Grainless granola, watercress soup, and Against the Grains pesto pizza with paleo bison meatballs and pineapple.

Breakfast was strawberry paleo bread with bacon and pineapple.  Lunch was a salad with feta cheese.  And dinner was a bacon, basil, lettuce, and Vegenaise wrap with Chinese greens.  Followed by a few mini Easter chocolate bars.

 

I had taken a few days off work and kind of went on a free for all.  I had Skyline, Wendy's, ice cream from Aglamesis, Popeye's Chicken, and I think cheese sticks somewhere.  Oh and Froot Loops.  I didn't eat all of that in a few days' time; I just remember these things from the last two weeks.  But boy, did I pay for it.  I had the craziest dreams and was super cranky and sleepy.  Not worth it.  What I am realizing (and probably already knew) was that if I am going to eat a little junk, I need to pair it with good food.  Otherwise, instead of being coated by the good nutritious food that my body knows how to process, it wreaks havoc on my digestive system and makes my glycemic levels jump around.  Not pleasant.  Whatsoever.  On the other hand, I don't like to feel like I am wasting a good meal by just using it to prevent a bad meal from making me miserable.  So that, should, keep me from eating too much junk when I do decide to indulge.

 

Workouts have been good.  I PRed my snatch by another 5 lbs (1 rep max is now 80 lbs).  We've been doing a lot of pull ups, which I hope to achieve without the aid of a band by the end of this year.  Also worked on front squats (this video is a little too specific, in that, each person squats a little bit differently, but it does have some good tips), and pushed myself to go a little heavier, and to not be afraid to bail if I need to.  Also got three double unders in a row with two singles in between!  A new PR!  I would love to get double unders, consistently and soon.  I enjoy partner workouts and the camaraderie that comes from perfect strangers.  Crossfit would be a great icebreaker to use!  I've been told that I have good form for my cleans and power cleans.  And I was coached to "look up" when doing snatches, with a visual cue written in chalk on the ground in front of me.  That worked, too!  I hadn't been going as consistently as I wished, too, but that's over.  I'm back in.  I am surprised by how much Crossfit affects the rest of my life, too.  I couldn't quite articulate it, but this article sums it up nicely.

 

"6 Powerful Ways Crossfit Changes Lives"

 

#6 is my favorite: They let go of judgement.

 

Anytime we think something about another person, positive or negative, we are making a decision about them that may not even be true. I made this mistake early in my CrossFit career when I thought I could determine a person’s strength based on his build. I quickly ate my words when a 5'5, 115-pound female competitor out-lifted everyone around her.

Some people who join CrossFit are indeed very fit and step into the gym with a certain bravado. For these individuals, I sit and quietly and wait for the moment when they become completely humbled by some unassuming veteran in the gym. It usually depicts a turning point in their attitude as they realize there’s no room for judgment in CrossFit; there will always be someone faster and stronger than you.

CrossFit changes people’s perspective of themselves and the world. I speak confidently to each of these points as just over five years ago, I was the one stepping into a CrossFit gym, looking like a deer in headlights. I have seen firsthand what CrossFit has done for my life and for me. Now, I’m lucky enough that everyday I get to wake-up and see what it does for others.

 

I feel so privileged to be a part of this kind of movement.  It is cultish.  "Drink the kool-aid."  But it is definitely something I can talk about with conviction.  It makes me a prouder person, and that is not an easy feat to accomplish.  I am frequently confronted with the challenge of becoming a more confident person, while also realizing how relative my place is in the world.  I already felt fairly confident, so this is very challenging for me.  Crossfit is one way that I can express those struggles and achievements.  I couldn't be more grateful.

I leave you with this; I wanted to share the wise words of a friend that I had in college.  We met because she started a club that centered on positive body image.  It was something that I really wanted to be a part of, but I lacked the confidence to really throw myself into it.   Of course, I felt like I was the fattest or grossest person in that group.  I went to Miami University, after all, and even when most of the girls aren't trying to, they are just those pretty kind of people.  But anyways, you get past those things and thought I am not close friends with this person, I still draw inspiration from her pictures and posts.  She is a yoga instructor and Lululemon ambassador in Seattle.

Dear friends, I have some important things to say!

YOU will *not* be more valuable or more loved or more successful when you're 5lbs lighter or "toned" or run 26 miles. You are worthy now, believe that. 

You CANNOT fulfill your body's need for nourishment by counting calories. Counting calories is a useless way to spend your valuable time and energy—focus instead on eating foods that make you feel good and help you live life to its fullest. 

If you're chasing an “ideal” body, you're NEVER going to catch it. Ever. You'll always be chasing, and it will always be running. Stop reading shitty deprecating magazines, stop comparing yourself to movie stars, stop assuming everyone on Facebook has a perfect life and you don't, stop weighing yourself and letting that number determine your success or failure. 

Someone else, who doesn't give a shit about you, decided to sell you ideas on what beauty is so that they could make money—don't be so readily convinced! Your ideal is *now.* Your beautiful reality is fully YOU. Be above all that bullshit, because YOU ARE!

Start striving to feel awesome. This means taking care of yourself, eating wholesome food and exercising. This helps you show up for your dreams and for those who you love. Start loving food, and it will love you right back! When you don't believe in restrictions, you stop the shame and the guilt, and you actually start eating what makes you come alive.

Happy trails, to you.